Memorial Day Positivity — Jeremy Pinsly

Happy Memorial Day, Gang!

I hope you are all honoring America’s heroes the way you should be – by getting drunk and riding Jet Skis in a Budweiser t-shirt. Life is super not lonely here in New York - just me, my studio apartment and my very angry/sad downstairs neighbor who called the cops on me for no reason last week (long story, but if I get murdered, he did it). It’s been over two months of being “locked down” in the disease epicenter of America, and I’m trying to keep that positive energy going; Although I am getting sick and tired of winning all of my own beauty pageants. I know the country is re-opening in a very discombobulated way, but as uncertainty looms, I wanted to remind everyone – WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER and WE’RE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH THIS (I learned the all caps thing from Trump’s twitter page). So in the meantime, while we all debate going to the Red Lobster and partying at Dave and Busters, I want to share a list of reasons I know this is all gonna be OK…

1. God told me in a Coronavirus fever dream (or did I just get drunk and set that bush on fire?)

2. The government’s approach is unified and coordinated. Ok, so maybe we’re like a football team with 50 head coaches and a cheerleading squad that won't stop huffing hydroxychloroquine on the sidelines (i.e. the Cleveland Browns), but like the Harlem Globetrotters and Wesley Snipes, we’ll find a way.

3. Yes, we’re getting in fights over masks, protesting with AR-15s and shooting people in grocery stores for slow service, but like any good marriage, there are gonna be some tussles along the way. We’re not all being our best selves right now, but one day we’ll look back at this and go “oh you.” And then we’ll start another fight about what actually happened, but that’s not the point.

4. I just watched the movie "Contagion", and…ok, so maybe that’s a bad example.

5. Dark times lead to creative revolutions, so if you think Netflix is good now, just wait til next year when all the depression induced isolation content comes out (i.e. an "Oceans 11" movie with not men, not women, but all the characters from "Ratatouille" – Also, Starship Troopers 17).

6. I just asked my magic 8-ball app if things we’re gonna be ok, and it said “Outlook Good.” Yea, there might have been a “Don’t count on it” and “Are you insane?” along the way, but eventually, we got the truth. Thanks, magic 8-ball, for your unwavering honesty.

7. Elon Musk is gonna get us to Mars. I watched 7 minutes of his interview on Joe Rogan’s podcast, and I’m convinced he’s the evil robot from the movie “Alien” (and yes, I have watched all 6 Alien movies during this quarantine). The Coronavirus doesn’t exist in space…yet.

8. Have I mentioned the strength and unity in our government? We’re like the Mud Dogs before Bobby Boucher...

9. The girl I started dating right before quarantine agrees with me that we met at a bad time, but she still wants to give it a chance because she thinks I’m a really great guy. We can all breathe a deep sigh of relief (Tell her the truth and I’ll sic my downstairs neighbor on you).

10. Sooner or later all the celebrities are gonna patch together videos of themselves singing “Fly” by Sugar Ray. If that doesn’t cure cancer, Polio AND the coronavirus, you’re just not seeing the bigger picture.

11. BONUS! In all of the 987 movies I’ve seen over the past two months, good pretty much always wins. Yea, the people who “run” this country are less effective than a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off, but in the big scheme of things, this is another blip on the radar. In 20 years we’ll barely even remember this (because we’ll be too busy focusing on the mass infestation of murder hornets).

I hope you are all hangin in there as best as you can and not playing flip cup at ragers in the bars of Wisconsin. This is definitely going to be a tough battle, but as long as we stay sane, patient and hopeful, there’s no reason to believe we won't be back to hugging, hi-fiving and making sweet passionate love with each other eventually. And yes, I meant that. Sex pile at your place as soon as we have a vaccine.

Love,
Jer

P.S. Audio sketches coming soon! And keep donating time/money!