Unless you’re part of the minority of this country who voted for Donald Trump to be our next president, you can feel the dull burn of the 2016 election aftermath deep in your plums. Welcome America. Welcome to the painful world of blue balls. It sucks. It seemed like everything was going to go our way, and then the trap door slid out from under us. Our team was up 3 touchdowns going into the 4th quarter, and somehow, someway, we managed to blow the game like we were the Buffalo Bills playing a Super Bowl in the 90s. As much as this blasphemous outcome might make you want to slam your head into a wall and throw darts at pictures of your Trump supporting family members, the only action we can take is to graciously accept this punch to the nuts, look ourselves in the mirror, and figure out who the hell we really are.
Now a lot of people might think I need to stop being such a sore liberal douche loser and give the president-elect a chance, but the truth of the matter is this guy is more of a maniac than Jesse Spano at the peak of her caffeine pill addiction. Hoping that Donald Trump is going to be a great president is like re-watching the Lion King and hoping Mufasa won’t die. You don’t need a psychic, or a magic 8-ball, or even the passing of time to realize this deflated bag of Cheetos Puffs is not prepared to be the leader of the (potentially) greatest country in the world. In the words of John Oliver from Last Week Tonight, “It’s like we’re on a plane and just discovered our pilot is a wombat.”
Now as much as we want to kick and scream and complain about what’s going on, that’s not going to solve any problems. Donald Trump will be our president in 2017 and that’s a spoonful of diarrhea we’re just gonna have to swallow. The good news is, as hard as it might be to understand now, this is the greatest tragedy that could’ve ever happened to us. This is the moment Michael Jordan got cut from his high school basketball team. This is the time I bombed miserably in front of 300 people at Caroline’s on Broadway after doing 6 minutes of new material all on Taco Bell (did you know Taco Bell has meat tubes?). This is our wake up call!!! Donald Trump’s orange toupee is the fire we need to wake us the F up and realize this 100MPH capitalistic system we created is not going to work anymore. From the way we run our school systems to the way we handle food production to the way we think and function on a daily basis, we all need to change…a lot. And yes, change is hard, but when your back is against the border wall, you have no other choice.
To make this easier to process, just pretend that The Lord of the Rings is actually happening. I mean think about it, we’ve got a maniacal sociopath peering down at the world from his Tower of Evil while his minions destroy the trees to ensure that white power will forever reign supreme. Bernie is Gandolf the Grey, Joe Biden is Gandolf the White, Hillary is Bilbo, social media is Gollum, and we, the American people, are Frodo and Samwise. The journey to destroying the ring will not be easy. We will have to make our way through a forest of stubborn, conservative congressmen, scale a mountain of racism, bigotry, and hate, and ascend over the top of the not so great wall of Mexico. People will be lost, times will be difficult, but we WILL persevere because if there’s anything we learned from the popular vote, we’re 2.5 million more good than evil!!!
So take my hand, my sweet beautiful, Samwise(s), and let’s work together to rid the world of all this darkness and anxiety. If you want to sit back and take your chances that this brain-dead Frankenstein monster we created won’t crush the eggshells he’s walking on, be my guest, but I for one want to stay informed, up-to-date and ready to embark on the glorious journey of fighting for humanity. With a lot effort and a renewed mindset, the agonizing pain from our blue balls will soon subside. And remember, we could be heroes!!!
Take it away Jake…