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    Oh boy, what a time to be alive!? Nothing makes sense, everyone (except delusional psychopaths) is terrified, and checking the news carries the same suspense as peering around a dark corner of a haunted mansion in the middle of the night. Isn't it exhilarating!? Continue Reading

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The Four Year Detour

Photo from Salon.com

Oh boy, what a time to be alive!? Nothing makes sense, everyone (except delusional psychopaths) is terrified, and checking the news carries the same suspense as peering around a dark corner of a haunted mansion in the middle of the night. Isn’t it exhilarating!? If you thought Trump was going to turn into a normal human being once he won, you were just as wrong as the media was about the election results. The man is a full on psychopath, and we gave him the keys to our livelihood (currently yelling obscenities into brown paper bag). The good news is, we are the masters of our own domain, and as long as we don’t let the distractions of every day life shake us from the course of truth and justice, we’re gonna be just fine. After all, you know how the old saying goes, “when life gives you oranges, make orange juice!”

Before I get into it, let’s examine what’s happened in the first month of the presidency, so we can wipe away any doubt that this pussy grabbing dick for brains has no idea what he’s doing right now: we’ve banned immigrants, coined the term “alternative facts,” prayed for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s tv ratings, lied about inauguration crowd size (it’s not a penis, we can all see it), made the EPA vanish into thin air as if it were being run by David Copperfield, started construction on a border wall (yea, we’re actually building a wall), repeatedly lied about illegal voters, threatened Mexico, pissed off China and Australia, incited more protests than there were throughout the entire 1960s, attacked the entire judicial system, fired the attorney general, lost the secretary of state, teamed up with the Russians…and at this rate, we’ll all be dead in a month.

Unless you are one of those stubborn types who can never admit they’re wrong because you have an inferiority complex (i.e. our president), it’s clear as day that this is not our coach. This guy spends more time on Twitter than a 40 year old virgin who trolls the internet from a Batman futon in his mother’s basement. But just because our “leader” is a selfish 12 year old in a tacky business suit doesn’t mean we still can’t band together and fight for what’s right. Remember in “Varsity Blues” when Coach Bud Kilmer put winning over his players safety? Johnny Moxley didn’t sit there and ignore the problem like a gutless wonder. He stood the F up, said “I don’t want your life!” and led the West Canaan Coyotes to their 23rd District Championship. Hell yea, Mox! You’re a 10…a fucking 10!

Photo from Cineplex.com

Now it’s time for us to channel our inner Mox and stand up for what’s right. If we take a step back and remember why we’re playing this game in the first place (to have some damn fun!), we too can band together to accomplish something amazing. We can start supporting businesses run by people who don’t want to use their financial gains for world domination. We can stop using social media 150 times a day (remember how cool we used to think cigarettes were?). We can remind ourselves that happiness comes from helping others and being grateful, not winning the competition that doesn’t exist. And oh yea, we can stop watching “2 Broke Girls.” Seriously, how is that show still on the air? I honestly tried to give it a chance, but even when I was high as balls, eating a bag of non-corporate made Gummy Bears, I still couldn’t force 1/2 a smile. Some of you might like that show and think I’m being a self-righteous douche right now, and to you I say, “Stop it. You’re better than that.”

Nevertheless, life is about achieving balance, and balance is about knowing when enough is enough. And I think I speak for most of us when I say “enough is enough!” There’s a National Strike being held on Friday February 17th. If you have any respect for yourself, the less fortunate, or Johnny Moxley, you’ll at least consider the positive implications of taking a stand against an evil empire and an unsustainable way of life. If you can afford to do so, don’t go to work this Friday, don’t spend any money, just sit on your couch with some people you love, listen to some funky jams, don’t watch “2 Broke Girls,” and remember this extremely important quote from the one and only, Johnny Mox, “We can’t be afraid to lose. There’s no room for fear in this game!”

I love you all. Varsity Blues themed party at my place Friday. I’ll bring the whipped cream!


Photo from Entertainment Weekly


Red, White and Blue Balls

NEW YORK - MARCH 31: Harlem Globetrotter Buckets ( far left) and WildKat (Far Right) show benefit donor Donald Trump (Center) how to spin a basketball on his finger at the 2008 Skating with the Stars, Under the Stars benefit gala on March 31st, 2008 in New York City. (Photo by Mark Von Holden/WireImage)
Photo by Mark Von Holden/WireImage

Unless you’re part of the minority of this country who voted for Donald Trump to be our next president, you can feel the dull burn of the 2016 election aftermath deep in your plums. Welcome America. Welcome to the painful world of blue balls. It sucks. It seemed like everything was going to go our way, and then the trap door slid out from under us. Our team was up 3 touchdowns going into the 4th quarter, and somehow, someway, we managed to blow the game like we were the Buffalo Bills playing a Super Bowl in the 90s. As much as this blasphemous outcome might make you want to slam your head into a wall and throw darts at pictures of your Trump supporting family members, the only action we can take is to graciously accept this punch to the nuts, look ourselves in the mirror, and figure out who the hell we really are.

Now a lot of people might think I need to stop being such a sore liberal douche loser and give the president-elect a chance, but the truth of the matter is this guy is more of a maniac than Jesse Spano at the peak of her caffeine pill addiction. Hoping that Donald Trump is going to be a great president is like re-watching the Lion King and hoping Mufasa won’t die. You don’t need a psychic, or a magic 8-ball, or even the passing of time to realize this deflated bag of Cheetos Puffs is not prepared to be the leader of the (potentially) greatest country in the world. In the words of John Oliver from Last Week Tonight, “It’s like we’re on a plane and just discovered our pilot is a wombat.”

I’m so not excited! I’m so not excited!

Now as much as we want to kick and scream and complain about what’s going on, that’s not going to solve any problems. Donald Trump will be our president in 2017 and that’s a spoonful of diarrhea we’re just gonna have to swallow. The good news is, as hard as it might be to understand now, this is the greatest tragedy that could’ve ever happened to us. This is the moment Michael Jordan got cut from his high school basketball team. This is the time I bombed miserably in front of 300 people at Caroline’s on Broadway after doing 6 minutes of new material all on Taco Bell (did you know Taco Bell has meat tubes?). This is our wake up call!!!  Donald Trump’s orange toupee is the fire we need to wake us the F up and realize this 100MPH capitalistic system we created is not going to work anymore. From the way we run our school systems to the way we handle food production to the way we think and function on a daily basis, we all need to change…a lot. And yes, change is hard, but when your back is against the border wall, you have no other choice.

To make this easier to process, just pretend that The Lord of the Rings is actually happening. I mean think about it, we’ve got a maniacal sociopath peering down at the world from his Tower of Evil while his minions destroy the trees to ensure that white power will forever reign supreme. Bernie is Gandolf the Grey, Joe Biden is Gandolf the White, Hillary is Bilbo, social media is Gollum, and we, the American people, are Frodo and Samwise. The journey to destroying the ring will not be easy. We will have to make our way through a forest of stubborn, conservative congressmen, scale a mountain of racism, bigotry, and hate, and ascend over the top of the not so great wall of Mexico. People will be lost, times will be difficult, but we WILL persevere because if there’s anything we learned from the popular vote, we’re 2.5 million more good than evil!!!


So take my hand, my sweet beautiful, Samwise(s), and let’s work together to rid the world of all this darkness and anxiety. If you want to sit back and take your chances that this brain-dead Frankenstein monster we created won’t crush the eggshells he’s walking on, be my guest, but I for one want to stay informed, up-to-date and ready to embark on the glorious journey of fighting for humanity. With a lot effort and a renewed mindset, the agonizing pain from our blue balls will soon subside. And remember, we could be heroes!!!

Take it away Jake…




Self-Awareness Awareness



In this totally whacked out, narcissistic, 100MPH social media world we live in, thoughts and opinions are being flung around like feces in a monkey sanctuary. There is more ignorance than truth, more hate than love, more conflict than resolution, more division than unity, and more non-sense than sense. So what does this do to us as human beings? It makes us absolutely, out-of-our-minds-Sarah Palin crazy. We don’t know what the hell is real and what the hell is a carcinogenic byproduct of the diarrhea we jam into our brains on a second by second basis. In a world where opinions are more prevalent than Starbucks and McDonalds, it’s important to take a step back and remind ourselves to not to let the crap get the best of us.

We’re all guilty of letting opposing thoughts piss us off. Whenever we hear a world view that differs from the one we know and love, our brains short circuit, and our instinct is to explode into a fit of misguided rage (You don’t think Beyonce is the greatest performer of all time!? Eat shit and die!!!!). We live in a world filled with millions of isolated bubbles – national bubbles, regional bubbles, local bubbles, social bubbles, work bubbles (I literally teach tennis in an athletic bubble), and so on and so on. And now that all of these bubbles are floating around the magical/nightmarish world of the internet, our dissenting world views are colliding into each other like American Gladiators competing in Atlasphere…



But why must we butt heads so hard? Why are we all so steadfast in our ways when in reality we’re all a bunch of morons who have no idea why we’re here in the first place? Because just like with cherry flavored cough syrup (or my grandma’s tuna casserole), it’s extremely hard for us to swallow our pride. Ever met someone who can’t admit they’re wrong? It’s infuriating. It’s like trying to beat a wall in tennis. If only we took one second to honestly look at ourselves in the mirror and say “maybe the world isn’t limited to my extremely small batch of experiences,” we’d all be so much better off. But no, the majority of us have our heads stuck so far up our asses that we’ll never be able to see outside of ourselves.

It’s extremely important for us to always challenge our belief system. High self-esteem and confidence are two of the most important attributes one can possess, but it’s equally as important to remember that part of you is a complete, drop your phone in the toilet, idiot. Most of us aren’t as terrible as Anthony Weiner, Robert Ailes or the photographer who trips immigrants, but every single one of us has made some awful, stupid, embarrassing mistakes in our lives (I used to listen to O.A.R.). And odds are you’re going to keep on making these types of mistakes throughout your life. That’s what this pointless journey is all about. You fail, you learn, you grow. You ever look back at past versions of yourselves and say “wow, what a loser?” Well, if you’re doing anything right, you’ll be saying that exact same thing about your current self a couple of years down the road. Or you can stay angry and racist forever like my insane Uncle Dale.


Speaking of acceptance, let’s talk about religion. Religion has the potential to be one of the most positively powerful forces in our world, but unfortunately some of us take it a little too seriously (cue clip of Crusaders chopping off people’s heads). There’s a reason we have a little known concept called “separation of church and state.” In this beautiful country of ours, we have the right to think, believe and feel however we please, but we have to remember that there is a fine line between faith and fact.  Freedom is the right to believe whatever you want to believe, but enforcing those beliefs on other people is the exact opposite. You don’t think women should be able to have abortions? That’s fantastic. Don’t have to have an abortion. But so help you God if you even think about using your belief system to tell me or anyone else how to live our lives. Arguing religion is like arguing who you think is going to win the Super Bowl. You may believe your team is going to win, but at the end of the day, you’re just hoping and praying.

And that is why I am writing this article. To help raise self-awareness awareness. Our world and our lives are absolutely insane right now. Never before have we had so much access to so much real time information, and the amazingness/horror that it reveals is almost impossible for us to comprehend. There are so many different opinions living in one messed up, un-regulated, mucus storm of a forum known as the internet, that it’s hard to not be constantly yanking at your brain yelling “WTF GOD!!!!!!!!??????” But instead of freaking out, take a deep breath and remember that we’re all idiots, we’re all in this together, and most importantly, none of this matters. And on that note, let’s cue some Carlin…

Thanks and have a Jim Dandy Day!!!