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    Oh boy, what a time to be alive!? Nothing makes sense, everyone (except delusional psychopaths) is terrified, and checking the news carries the same suspense as peering around a dark corner of a haunted mansion in the middle of the night. Isn't it exhilarating!? Continue Reading

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The Big D

Holy sweet dear lord did I have a great time headlining at the High and Tight Barber Shop in Dallas, TX. Thanks so much to everyone who came out (we sold 50 tickets!), to everyone who let me crash on their couch, to all the people who gave me spots on shows, and to Moses for freeing the Jews from slavery in Egypt. I couldn’t have done it without you guys. Dallas might be home to the $30,000 millionaire and big haired blondes with more silicon than personality, but overall, it truly is an amazing city. Not to mention, nothing makes me laugh harder than hearing staunch Republicans yell how they “love Big D.” That alone is worth the trip.

In case you care (you probably don’t) here’s a picture from the show…

Yay, comedy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And here’s a picture of the wall in my CEO’s office. Probably the highlight of my week…

I’m such an idiot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I quit my job 6 years ago to do comedy and while this life has an insane number of ups and (mostly) downs, it’s trips like these that help rationalize all of the sacrifice. Thanks so much Dallas! You made me the happiest little Jew in the whole wide world!

Next stop on the “Definitely Not Kosher Tour” is the New York Comedy Club on Tuesday June 6th at 9PM. Gonna be an absolute dandy! If you’re in the city that night, let’s party! Here’s the link for tickets…

https://newyorkcomedyclub.com/events/jeremy-pinsly-headlines-6-6-17-0915pm

And keep your eye out for the Definitely Not Kosher Tour which will eventually be coming to a city near you. If there is a good room with good people, I’m there!

See you soon!

Love,
Jer

The Four Year Detour

Photo from Salon.com

Oh boy, what a time to be alive!? Nothing makes sense, everyone (except delusional psychopaths) is terrified, and checking the news carries the same suspense as peering around a dark corner of a haunted mansion in the middle of the night. Isn’t it exhilarating!? If you thought Trump was going to turn into a normal human being once he won, you were just as wrong as the media was about the election results. The man is a full on psychopath, and we gave him the keys to our livelihood (currently yelling obscenities into brown paper bag). The good news is, we are the masters of our own domain, and as long as we don’t let the distractions of every day life shake us from the course of truth and justice, we’re gonna be just fine. After all, you know how the old saying goes, “when life gives you oranges, make orange juice!”

Before I get into it, let’s examine what’s happened in the first month of the presidency, so we can wipe away any doubt that this pussy grabbing dick for brains has no idea what he’s doing right now: we’ve banned immigrants, coined the term “alternative facts,” prayed for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s tv ratings, lied about inauguration crowd size (it’s not a penis, we can all see it), made the EPA vanish into thin air as if it were being run by David Copperfield, started construction on a border wall (yea, we’re actually building a wall), repeatedly lied about illegal voters, threatened Mexico, pissed off China and Australia, incited more protests than there were throughout the entire 1960s, attacked the entire judicial system, fired the attorney general, lost the secretary of state, teamed up with the Russians…and at this rate, we’ll all be dead in a month.

Unless you are one of those stubborn types who can never admit they’re wrong because you have an inferiority complex (i.e. our president), it’s clear as day that this is not our coach. This guy spends more time on Twitter than a 40 year old virgin who trolls the internet from a Batman futon in his mother’s basement. But just because our “leader” is a selfish 12 year old in a tacky business suit doesn’t mean we still can’t band together and fight for what’s right. Remember in “Varsity Blues” when Coach Bud Kilmer put winning over his players safety? Johnny Moxley didn’t sit there and ignore the problem like a gutless wonder. He stood the F up, said “I don’t want your life!” and led the West Canaan Coyotes to their 23rd District Championship. Hell yea, Mox! You’re a 10…a fucking 10!

Photo from Cineplex.com

Now it’s time for us to channel our inner Mox and stand up for what’s right. If we take a step back and remember why we’re playing this game in the first place (to have some damn fun!), we too can band together to accomplish something amazing. We can start supporting businesses run by people who don’t want to use their financial gains for world domination. We can stop using social media 150 times a day (remember how cool we used to think cigarettes were?). We can remind ourselves that happiness comes from helping others and being grateful, not winning the competition that doesn’t exist. And oh yea, we can stop watching “2 Broke Girls.” Seriously, how is that show still on the air? I honestly tried to give it a chance, but even when I was high as balls, eating a bag of non-corporate made Gummy Bears, I still couldn’t force 1/2 a smile. Some of you might like that show and think I’m being a self-righteous douche right now, and to you I say, “Stop it. You’re better than that.”

Nevertheless, life is about achieving balance, and balance is about knowing when enough is enough. And I think I speak for most of us when I say “enough is enough!” There’s a National Strike being held on Friday February 17th. If you have any respect for yourself, the less fortunate, or Johnny Moxley, you’ll at least consider the positive implications of taking a stand against an evil empire and an unsustainable way of life. If you can afford to do so, don’t go to work this Friday, don’t spend any money, just sit on your couch with some people you love, listen to some funky jams, don’t watch “2 Broke Girls,” and remember this extremely important quote from the one and only, Johnny Mox, “We can’t be afraid to lose. There’s no room for fear in this game!”

I love you all. Varsity Blues themed party at my place Friday. I’ll bring the whipped cream!

 

Photo from Entertainment Weekly

 

Red, White and Blue Balls

NEW YORK - MARCH 31: Harlem Globetrotter Buckets ( far left) and WildKat (Far Right) show benefit donor Donald Trump (Center) how to spin a basketball on his finger at the 2008 Skating with the Stars, Under the Stars benefit gala on March 31st, 2008 in New York City. (Photo by Mark Von Holden/WireImage)
Photo by Mark Von Holden/WireImage

Unless you’re part of the minority of this country who voted for Donald Trump to be our next president, you can feel the dull burn of the 2016 election aftermath deep in your plums. Welcome America. Welcome to the painful world of blue balls. It sucks. It seemed like everything was going to go our way, and then the trap door slid out from under us. Our team was up 3 touchdowns going into the 4th quarter, and somehow, someway, we managed to blow the game like we were the Buffalo Bills playing a Super Bowl in the 90s. As much as this blasphemous outcome might make you want to slam your head into a wall and throw darts at pictures of your Trump supporting family members, the only action we can take is to graciously accept this punch to the nuts, look ourselves in the mirror, and figure out who the hell we really are.

Now a lot of people might think I need to stop being such a sore liberal douche loser and give the president-elect a chance, but the truth of the matter is this guy is more of a maniac than Jesse Spano at the peak of her caffeine pill addiction. Hoping that Donald Trump is going to be a great president is like re-watching the Lion King and hoping Mufasa won’t die. You don’t need a psychic, or a magic 8-ball, or even the passing of time to realize this deflated bag of Cheetos Puffs is not prepared to be the leader of the (potentially) greatest country in the world. In the words of John Oliver from Last Week Tonight, “It’s like we’re on a plane and just discovered our pilot is a wombat.”

jessie-spano-caffeine-pills
I’m so not excited! I’m so not excited!

Now as much as we want to kick and scream and complain about what’s going on, that’s not going to solve any problems. Donald Trump will be our president in 2017 and that’s a spoonful of diarrhea we’re just gonna have to swallow. The good news is, as hard as it might be to understand now, this is the greatest tragedy that could’ve ever happened to us. This is the moment Michael Jordan got cut from his high school basketball team. This is the time I bombed miserably in front of 300 people at Caroline’s on Broadway after doing 6 minutes of new material all on Taco Bell (did you know Taco Bell has meat tubes?). This is our wake up call!!!  Donald Trump’s orange toupee is the fire we need to wake us the F up and realize this 100MPH capitalistic system we created is not going to work anymore. From the way we run our school systems to the way we handle food production to the way we think and function on a daily basis, we all need to change…a lot. And yes, change is hard, but when your back is against the border wall, you have no other choice.

To make this easier to process, just pretend that The Lord of the Rings is actually happening. I mean think about it, we’ve got a maniacal sociopath peering down at the world from his Tower of Evil while his minions destroy the trees to ensure that white power will forever reign supreme. Bernie is Gandolf the Grey, Joe Biden is Gandolf the White, Hillary is Bilbo, social media is Gollum, and we, the American people, are Frodo and Samwise. The journey to destroying the ring will not be easy. We will have to make our way through a forest of stubborn, conservative congressmen, scale a mountain of racism, bigotry, and hate, and ascend over the top of the not so great wall of Mexico. People will be lost, times will be difficult, but we WILL persevere because if there’s anything we learned from the popular vote, we’re 2.5 million more good than evil!!!

frodo-sam-smiling-large

So take my hand, my sweet beautiful, Samwise(s), and let’s work together to rid the world of all this darkness and anxiety. If you want to sit back and take your chances that this brain-dead Frankenstein monster we created won’t crush the eggshells he’s walking on, be my guest, but I for one want to stay informed, up-to-date and ready to embark on the glorious journey of fighting for humanity. With a lot effort and a renewed mindset, the agonizing pain from our blue balls will soon subside. And remember, we could be heroes!!!

Take it away Jake…