What’s up, ya animals!? This Thursday night (July 13th) at 7:30PM, I’m headlining Zanies Comedy Club in Nashville, TN! I might spend my entire 45 minutes complaining about how terrible the NHL Stanley Cup Final’s refs were, so if you want to see a 30 year old man have an emotional breakdown on stage, come on by! But for reals, we’ll be talking divorced parents, growing up as a Jew in the south, puberty, the Mighty Ducks, and of course, the meaning of life.Tickets are selling out, so if you want to hop on the Jew wagon, buy ’em before it’s too late! They’re $20 if you use this link…
What’s up ya animals!? It’s your old pal Jer here with some updates on life, liberty and the pursuit of comedy. Ever since I quit my marketing job 6 years ago, I have been hustling like a mad man in the crazy city of New York trying to become the best comedian my little Jewish self could be. I’ve produced 100s of shows, performed at comedy clubs all over the country, and spent an embarrassing amount of time riding Greyhound busses to tell jokes in bar basements for $20. Moral of the story, it’s been a bumpy/fun/awful/awesome/terrifying/exhilarating ride.
So where does the road lead next? Right to you guys! Over the next few months, I’ll be headlining (doing 45+ minutes of material) at venues all across the US as part of my “Definitely Not Kosher” tour. I’ll be coming to Dallas in May, the New York Comedy Club in June, Zanies Comedy Club in Nashville in July, The Punchline in Atlanta in August and more dates TBD in Charlotte, Philly, DC, Phoenix, Austin, Denver and LA. I’ve never been more excited to showcase my new work, so if you are in one of these cities when I come through, I would love nothing more than to see you beautiful faces there! Also, if you could help spread the word to anyone and everyone who might be interested, that’d be so super awesome. The more the merrier! Butterfly kisses for everyone!!!
Next stop is Zanies in Nashville on Thursday July 11th at 7:30! Come on out! Gonna be a party!!!
Holy sweet dear lord did I have a great time headlining at the High and Tight Barber Shop in Dallas, TX. Thanks so much to everyone who came out (we sold 50 tickets!), to everyone who let me crash on their couch, to all the people who gave me spots on shows, and to Moses for freeing the Jews from slavery in Egypt. I couldn’t have done it without you guys. Dallas might be home to the $30,000 millionaire and big haired blondes with more silicon than personality, but overall, it truly is an amazing city. Not to mention, nothing makes me laugh harder than hearing staunch Republicans yell how they “love Big D.” That alone is worth the trip.
In case you care (you probably don’t) here’s a picture from the show…
And here’s a picture of the wall in my CEO’s office. Probably the highlight of my week…
I quit my job 6 years ago to do comedy and while this life has an insane number of ups and (mostly) downs, it’s trips like these that help rationalize all of the sacrifice. Thanks so much Dallas! You made me the happiest little Jew in the whole wide world!
Next stop on the “Definitely Not Kosher Tour” is the New York Comedy Club on Tuesday June 6th at 9PM. Gonna be an absolute dandy! If you’re in the city that night, let’s party! Here’s the link for tickets…
Oh boy, what a time to be alive!? Nothing makes sense, everyone (except delusional psychopaths) is terrified, and checking the news carries the same suspense as peering around a dark corner of a haunted mansion in the middle of the night. Isn’t it exhilarating!? If you thought Trump was going to turn into a normal human being once he won, you were just as wrong as the media was about the election results. The man is a full on psychopath, and we gave him the keys to our livelihood (currently yelling obscenities into brown paper bag). The good news is, we are the masters of our own domain, and as long as we don’t let the distractions of every day life shake us from the course of truth and justice, we’re gonna be just fine. After all, you know how the old saying goes, “when life gives you oranges, make orange juice!”
Before I get into it, let’s examine what’s happened in the first month of the presidency, so we can wipe away any doubt that this pussy grabbing dick for brains has no idea what he’s doing right now: we’ve banned immigrants, coined the term “alternative facts,” prayed for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s tv ratings, lied about inauguration crowd size (it’s not a penis, we can all see it), made the EPA vanish into thin air as if it were being run by David Copperfield, started construction on a border wall (yea, we’re actually building a wall), repeatedly lied about illegal voters, threatened Mexico, pissed off China and Australia, incited more protests than there were throughout the entire 1960s, attacked the entire judicial system, fired the attorney general, lost the secretary of state, teamed up with the Russians…and at this rate, we’ll all be dead in a month.
Unless you are one of those stubborn types who can never admit they’re wrong because you have an inferiority complex (i.e. our president), it’s clear as day that this is not our coach. This guy spends more time on Twitter than a 40 year old virgin who trolls the internet from a Batman futon in his mother’s basement. But just because our “leader” is a selfish 12 year old in a tacky business suit doesn’t mean we still can’t band together and fight for what’s right. Remember in “Varsity Blues” when Coach Bud Kilmer put winning over his players safety? Johnny Moxley didn’t sit there and ignore the problem like a gutless wonder. He stood the F up, said “I don’t want your life!” and led the West Canaan Coyotes to their 23rd District Championship. Hell yea, Mox! You’re a 10…a fucking 10!
Now it’s time for us to channel our inner Mox and stand up for what’s right. If we take a step back and remember why we’re playing this game in the first place (to have some damn fun!), we too can band together to accomplish something amazing. We can start supporting businesses run by people who don’t want to use their financial gains for world domination. We can stop using social media 150 times a day (remember how cool we used to think cigarettes were?). We can remind ourselves that happiness comes from helping others and being grateful, not winning the competition that doesn’t exist. And oh yea, we can stop watching “2 Broke Girls.” Seriously, how is that show still on the air? I honestly tried to give it a chance, but even when I was high as balls, eating a bag of non-corporate made Gummy Bears, I still couldn’t force 1/2 a smile. Some of you might like that show and think I’m being a self-righteous douche right now, and to you I say, “Stop it. You’re better than that.”
Nevertheless, life is about achieving balance, and balance is about knowing when enough is enough. And I think I speak for most of us when I say “enough is enough!” There’s a National Strike being held on Friday February 17th. If you have any respect for yourself, the less fortunate, or Johnny Moxley, you’ll at least consider the positive implications of taking a stand against an evil empire and an unsustainable way of life. If you can afford to do so, don’t go to work this Friday, don’t spend any money, just sit on your couch with some people you love, listen to some funky jams, don’t watch “2 Broke Girls,” and remember this extremely important quote from the one and only, Johnny Mox, “We can’t be afraid to lose. There’s no room for fear in this game!”
I love you all. Varsity Blues themed party at my place Friday. I’ll bring the whipped cream!
Unless you’re part of the minority of this country who voted for Donald Trump to be our next president, you can feel the dull burn of the 2016 election aftermath deep in your plums. Welcome America. Welcome to the painful world of blue balls. It sucks. It seemed like everything was going to go our way, and then the trap door slid out from under us. Our team was up 3 touchdowns going into the 4th quarter, and somehow, someway, we managed to blow the game like we were the Buffalo Bills playing a Super Bowl in the 90s. As much as this blasphemous outcome might make you want to slam your head into a wall and throw darts at pictures of your Trump supporting family members, the only action we can take is to graciously accept this punch to the nuts, look ourselves in the mirror, and figure out who the hell we really are.
Now a lot of people might think I need to stop being such a sore liberal douche loser and give the president-elect a chance, but the truth of the matter is this guy is more of a maniac than Jesse Spano at the peak of her caffeine pill addiction. Hoping that Donald Trump is going to be a great president is like re-watching the Lion King and hoping Mufasa won’t die. You don’t need a psychic, or a magic 8-ball, or even the passing of time to realize this deflated bag of Cheetos Puffs is not prepared to be the leader of the (potentially) greatest country in the world. In the words of John Oliver from Last Week Tonight, “It’s like we’re on a plane and just discovered our pilot is a wombat.”
Now as much as we want to kick and scream and complain about what’s going on, that’s not going to solve any problems. Donald Trump will be our president in 2017 and that’s a spoonful of diarrhea we’re just gonna have to swallow. The good news is, as hard as it might be to understand now, this is the greatest tragedy that could’ve ever happened to us. This is the moment Michael Jordan got cut from his high school basketball team. This is the time I bombed miserably in front of 300 people at Caroline’s on Broadway after doing 6 minutes of new material all on Taco Bell (did you know Taco Bell has meat tubes?). This is our wake up call!!! Donald Trump’s orange toupee is the fire we need to wake us the F up and realize this 100MPH capitalistic system we created is not going to work anymore. From the way we run our school systems to the way we handle food production to the way we think and function on a daily basis, we all need to change…a lot. And yes, change is hard, but when your back is against the border wall, you have no other choice.
To make this easier to process, just pretend that The Lord of the Rings is actually happening. I mean think about it, we’ve got a maniacal sociopath peering down at the world from his Tower of Evil while his minions destroy the trees to ensure that white power will forever reign supreme. Bernie is Gandolf the Grey, Joe Biden is Gandolf the White, Hillary is Bilbo, social media is Gollum, and we, the American people, are Frodo and Samwise. The journey to destroying the ring will not be easy. We will have to make our way through a forest of stubborn, conservative congressmen, scale a mountain of racism, bigotry, and hate, and ascend over the top of the not so great wall of Mexico. People will be lost, times will be difficult, but we WILL persevere because if there’s anything we learned from the popular vote, we’re 2.5 million more good than evil!!!
So take my hand, my sweet beautiful, Samwise(s), and let’s work together to rid the world of all this darkness and anxiety. If you want to sit back and take your chances that this brain-dead Frankenstein monster we created won’t crush the eggshells he’s walking on, be my guest, but I for one want to stay informed, up-to-date and ready to embark on the glorious journey of fighting for humanity. With a lot effort and a renewed mindset, the agonizing pain from our blue balls will soon subside. And remember, we could be heroes!!!
In this totally whacked out, narcissistic, 100MPH social media world we live in, thoughts and opinions are being flung around like feces in a monkey sanctuary. There is more ignorance than truth, more hate than love, more conflict than resolution, more division than unity, and more non-sense than sense. So what does this do to us as human beings? It makes us absolutely, out-of-our-minds-Sarah Palin crazy. We don’t know what the hell is real and what the hell is a carcinogenic byproduct of the diarrhea we jam into our brains on a second by second basis. In a world where opinions are more prevalent than Starbucks and McDonalds, it’s important to take a step back and remind ourselves to not to let the crap get the best of us.
We’re all guilty of letting opposing thoughts piss us off. Whenever we hear a world view that differs from the one we know and love, our brains short circuit, and our instinct is to explode into a fit of misguided rage (You don’t think Beyonce is the greatest performer of all time!? Eat shit and die!!!!). We live in a world filled with millions of isolated bubbles – national bubbles, regional bubbles, local bubbles, social bubbles, work bubbles (I literally teach tennis in an athletic bubble), and so on and so on. And now that all of these bubbles are floating around the magical/nightmarish world of the internet, our dissenting world views are colliding into each other like American Gladiators competing in Atlasphere…
But why must we butt heads so hard? Why are we all so steadfast in our ways when in reality we’re all a bunch of morons who have no idea why we’re here in the first place? Because just like with cherry flavored cough syrup (or my grandma’s tuna casserole), it’s extremely hard for us to swallow our pride. Ever met someone who can’t admit they’re wrong? It’s infuriating. It’s like trying to beat a wall in tennis. If only we took one second to honestly look at ourselves in the mirror and say “maybe the world isn’t limited to my extremely small batch of experiences,” we’d all be so much better off. But no, the majority of us have our heads stuck so far up our asses that we’ll never be able to see outside of ourselves.
It’s extremely important for us to always challenge our belief system. High self-esteem and confidence are two of the most important attributes one can possess, but it’s equally as important to remember that part of you is a complete, drop your phone in the toilet, idiot. Most of us aren’t as terrible as Anthony Weiner, Robert Ailes or the photographer who trips immigrants, but every single one of us has made some awful, stupid, embarrassing mistakes in our lives (I used to listen to O.A.R.). And odds are you’re going to keep on making these types of mistakes throughout your life. That’s what this pointless journey is all about. You fail, you learn, you grow. You ever look back at past versions of yourselves and say “wow, what a loser?” Well, if you’re doing anything right, you’ll be saying that exact same thing about your current self a couple of years down the road. Or you can stay angry and racist forever like my insane Uncle Dale.
Speaking of acceptance, let’s talk about religion. Religion has the potential to be one of the most positively powerful forces in our world, but unfortunately some of us take it a little too seriously (cue clip of Crusaders chopping off people’s heads). There’s a reason we have a little known concept called “separation of church and state.” In this beautiful country of ours, we have the right to think, believe and feel however we please, but we have to remember that there is a fine line between faith and fact. Freedom is the right to believe whatever you want to believe, but enforcing those beliefs on other people is the exact opposite. You don’t think women should be able to have abortions? That’s fantastic. Don’t have to have an abortion. But so help you God if you even think about using your belief system to tell me or anyone else how to live our lives. Arguing religion is like arguing who you think is going to win the Super Bowl. You may believe your team is going to win, but at the end of the day, you’re just hoping and praying.
And that is why I am writing this article. To help raise self-awareness awareness. Our world and our lives are absolutely insane right now. Never before have we had so much access to so much real time information, and the amazingness/horror that it reveals is almost impossible for us to comprehend. There are so many different opinions living in one messed up, un-regulated, mucus storm of a forum known as the internet, that it’s hard to not be constantly yanking at your brain yelling “WTF GOD!!!!!!!!??????” But instead of freaking out, take a deep breath and remember that we’re all idiots, we’re all in this together, and most importantly, none of this matters. And on that note, let’s cue some Carlin…
Hey Gang! One of the most fun comedy shows in all of the land is back this Tuesday night at the New York Comedy Club (241 E 24th st). As always, the lineup is amazing, and because you are all our super awesome friends, tickets are FREE! RSVP to this event by emailing JDPinsly@gmail.com, and your name added to the guest list. And oh yea, after party hang out sesh at The Globe (158 E 23rd st). Here’s this week’s lineup. It’s nothing short of glorious….
Hey Gang! The most funnest show in all of the land is back this Tuesday night at 7PM at the New York Comedy Club (241 E 24th st)! As always, the lineup is amazing, tickets are FREE (only for you), and we have a sweet awesome after party hang out sesh at the Globe (158 E23rd st). Email JDPinsly@gmail.com with your name to reserve a seat. We always have an incredible time, so if you want to not not have fun Tuesday night, you should totally come out. Here’s this week’s lineup. It’s absolutely gorgeous…
SEATON SMITH (Fox’s Mulaney)
MYQ KAPLAN (Comedy Central, Netflix)
SCOTLAND GREEN (Comedy as a 2nd Language)
LUIS J GOMEZ (Legion of Skanks)
PAT MONAHAN (Bad Karma)
JOE GERICS (co-producer)
JEREMY PINSLY (co-producer)
Musical Guest (via ipod):
Gonna be such an amazing night. Come party with us!
It’s good to be a white male. It’s great to be a white male. Actually it’s holy dick balls this is the most amazing gift in the world incredible to be a white male. When people tell me I can do what I want with my life, they mean it from the bottom of their souls. Because I can! I can do whatever my fortunate little white boy heart desires. I can get a job at a top level marketing agency by making 2 phone calls via my parents’ connections. I can get arrested 3 times and spend absolutely 0 hours in jail. I can run on the Texas Rangers’ baseball field in the middle of a game and not only avoid any consequences, but also get paid $1,100 by my company’s CEO. My life is #Blessed
The only hard part about my existence is that I have to live every day knowing I’ve been randomly gifted with an insanely unfair amount of privilege and opportunity. Between the private school, the drum and tennis lessons, the family ski vacations, the car at 16, and the paid for college tuition, I have enough white privilege to catapult 678 impoverished families above the poverty line and into the lush memory foam mattresses of the upper class. But alas, you can’t divvy up my type of privilege amongst the less fortunate like an appetizer sampler at a TGI Fridays. So the question then becomes, what can people in my position do? How can we possibly live with ourselves knowing that we have so much while other people have so little? The answer is simple – numb yourself to the world and keep on moving forward surrounded by a toxic cloud of ignorance and denial.
I kid! The real answer? Don’t be a dick!
Empathy is one of the most necessary and powerful emotions there is. It’s one of the few feelings not based in selfishness. I may have no idea what it’s like to be terrified of the police, but if you don’t feel the slightest bit of pain when you constantly watch black person after black person unjustly lose their lives to the people in charge of “protecting and serving,” you might want to look at yourself in the mirror and say “wow, I’m a monster.”
Of course #AllLivesMatter, but if you don’t focus on the lives that don’t currently seem to matter, all of our lives can’t ever matter. If your leg is broken, you focus on fixing the leg, and then you worry about all of the other bones mattering. Is it really that hard to just accept that we still have a race/sex/religion issue in this country? We may not be the generation responsible for slavery, the crusades, or Bill Cosby, but that doesn’t mean we have to be the one that does nothing to help alleviate problems that have existed for thousands of years. Acceptance is the first step.
Some of my friends don’t admit that white, male privilege exists, and it absolutely blows my mind. We went to one of the whitest, most prestigious private schools in the country. Privilege blasted us in the face on a daily basis. Check out this extremely diverse picture of the 2005 graduating class of Montgomery Bell Academy…
Yea, I know. We’re almost as white as Paul Ryan’s interns. I can’t even find my own picture in that group. It’s like playing Where’s Waldo when everyone is dressed up just like Waldo.
Now I’m not saying that my high school is a racist/sexist institution. They have all the right in the world to enroll whomever they want. What I am saying is that it is one fuck load of a coincidence that most of the people who can afford that school happen to be white. And why is that lack of diversity a problem? Because if you don’t have a diverse group of friends, you’ll never be comfortable around a diverse group of people or be able to understand their struggle. No one who went to my school knows about real struggle. Our biggest fears were having to settle for our safety schools and not being able to get beer on Friday night.
I’ve read the book Animal Farm. I’m aware that socialism is an idealistic goal that can never be achieved because there will always be selfish pigs around to ruin the fun for everybody. But that doesn’t mean we can’t do our best to narrow the wage gap. 1% of the world has pretty much all the power, and that is totally fucked! WWJD in this situation? Drink $1,000 bottles of scotch and masturbate to a painting of himself on the yacht he named “Sweet Jesus” or use his power to create a system that gives all people access to live the American dream?
If there was ever a time for the 1% to rebrand themselves as the group that did more for the world and less for themselves, now is that time. Climate change is real, society has already used up a year’s worth of natural resources in just 7 months, and we are on the verge of potentially electing the world’s most sociopathic dick weasel to be our president. We can’t let that happen! If Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin are in power at the same time, our only chance of survival will be if Frodo and Samwise can destroy the ring. The last thing we want to do is let those assholes drive us off a cliff yelling “O’Doyle rules!”
We have to change and we have to change now. The swastika used to be a symbol of peace and well being, and now it’s the most popular face tattoo among Nazi loving skinheads. If the swastika can change, we can change…just ya know, the other way around.
So c’mon white men, let’s pull a reverse swastika. Let’s end all of the evil white devil stereotypes, and use our unfair advantage for the betterment of the world. It’s time to suck up our pride and stubborn self-righteousness and listen. Listen to the black people who have to act like the Dave Chappelle white guy character every time they get pulled over for a traffic violation. Listen to the women who have to spend their lives battling through a gauntlet of creepy assholes. Listen to the Muslims who get arrested on airplanes for doing math. And most importantly, listen to all of the rational people in the world who say “let’s all definitely not vote for Donald mother fucking Trump.”
We can do this! Let’s make white power great again!
We’re back this Tuesday night at the New York Comedy Club for one of the most awesomist/funnest stand-up comedy shows in all of the land. As always we have an AMAZING lineup (this week we are featuring special guest THEO VON from the Real World!!!) and because you are all part of this super tremendous meetup group, tickets are FREE! Normally they’re $20, so yes, consider yourselves appreciated. There is a 2 drink minimum and we have an after party hang out sesh at The Globe (158 E23rd st). Here’s this week’s lineup. It’s awesome in every way…
THEO VON (Real World)
KENNY DEFORREST (Comedy at the Knitting Factory)
WILL MILES (Comedy at the Knitting Factory)
KATE WOLF (Gotham Live)
JOE GERICS (Co-producer)
JEREMY PINSLY (Co-Producer)
MIKE CANNON (MTV)
Email JDPinsly@gmail.com to RSVP, and we will add your name to the guest list. Gonna be such a fun night! Let’s Party!