The Four Year Detour

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Oh boy, what a time to be alive!? Nothing makes sense, everyone (except delusional psychopaths) is terrified, and checking the news carries the same suspense as peering around a dark corner of a haunted mansion in the middle of the night. Isn’t it exhilarating!? If you thought Trump was going to turn into a normal human being once he won, you were just as wrong as the media was about the election results. The man is a full on psychopath, and we gave him the keys to our livelihood (currently yelling obscenities into brown paper bag). The good news is, we are the masters of our own domain, and as long as we don’t let the distractions of every day life shake us from the course of truth and justice, we’re gonna be just fine. After all, you know how the old saying goes, “when life gives you oranges, make orange juice!”

Before I get into it, let’s examine what’s happened in the first month of the presidency, so we can wipe away any doubt that this pussy grabbing dick for brains has no idea what he’s doing right now: we’ve banned immigrants, coined the term “alternative facts,” prayed for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s tv ratings, lied about inauguration crowd size (it’s not a penis, we can all see it), made the EPA vanish into thin air as if it were being run by David Copperfield, started construction on a border wall (yea, we’re actually building a wall), repeatedly lied about illegal voters, threatened Mexico, pissed off China and Australia, incited more protests than there were throughout the entire 1960s, attacked the entire judicial system, fired the attorney general, lost the secretary of state, teamed up with the Russians…and at this rate, we’ll all be dead in a month.

Unless you are one of those stubborn types who can never admit they’re wrong because you have an inferiority complex (i.e. our president), it’s clear as day that this is not our coach. This guy spends more time on Twitter than a 40 year old virgin who trolls the internet from a Batman futon in his mother’s basement. But just because our “leader”┬áis a selfish 12 year old in a tacky business suit doesn’t mean we still can’t band together and fight for what’s right. Remember in “Varsity Blues” when Coach Bud Kilmer put winning over his players safety? Johnny Moxley didn’t sit there and ignore the problem like a gutless wonder. He stood the F up, said “I don’t want your life!” and led the West Canaan Coyotes to their 23rd District Championship. Hell yea, Mox! You’re a 10…a fucking 10!

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Now it’s time for us to channel our inner Mox and stand up for what’s right. If we take a step back and remember why we’re playing this game in the first place (to have some damn fun!), we too can band together to accomplish something amazing. We can start supporting businesses run by people who don’t want to use their financial gains for world domination. We can stop using social media 150 times a day (remember how cool we used to think cigarettes were?). We can remind ourselves that happiness comes from helping others and being grateful, not winning the competition that doesn’t exist. And oh yea, we can stop watching “2 Broke Girls.” Seriously, how is that show still on the air? I honestly tried to give it a chance, but even when I was high as balls, eating a bag of non-corporate made Gummy Bears, I still couldn’t force 1/2 a smile. Some of you might like that show and think I’m being a self-righteous douche right now, and to you I say, “Stop it. You’re better than that.”

Nevertheless, life is about achieving balance, and balance is about knowing when enough is enough. And I think I speak for most of us when I say “enough is enough!” There’s a National Strike being held on Friday February 17th. If you have any respect for yourself, the less fortunate, or Johnny Moxley, you’ll at least consider the positive implications of taking a stand against an evil empire and an unsustainable way of life. If you can afford to do so, don’t go to work this Friday, don’t spend any money, just sit on your couch with some people you love, listen to some funky jams, don’t watch “2 Broke Girls,” and remember this extremely important quote from the one and only, Johnny Mox, “We can’t be afraid to lose. There’s no room for fear in this game!”

I love you all. Varsity Blues themed party at my place Friday. I’ll bring the whipped cream!


Photo from Entertainment Weekly